Aaaccckkk!

My head is spinning right now and I veer between maniacal laughter and hot, cascading tears. After many days of leaving messages at several different phone numbers, I finally received a call back from social services. It was another fast lesson in how to feel like less than a human being who matters. I won’t even go into detail over the attitude I got after asking a few questions! I asked specifically about a program written up on NYC.gov regarding a Rental Arrears Grant for individuals in the legal possession of an apartment who may or may not be on public assistance. Unfortunately I cannot find anybody who knows anything about this program. Every city employee I talk to calls it the "one-shot deal". Supposedly, because I receive social security disability every month, if I am given the money to help pay my back rent through the one-shot deal program, I will have to pay it back in a year! The social services employee I was speaking to told me to find a less expensive apartment. It’s not like I am living in luxury right now. I need an apartment on the first floor or with an elevator and no steps up to the building entrance. That’s not easy to come by in this city. When I asked her where and how to find this apartment, since I only pay $1,000 rent as it is, she told me she doesn't have any information for me. I said the least expensive apartment I saw listed was $800 and it was on the third floor without an elevator. Her reply was, “But you'd have $200 to live on!” Hello?! That won't pay for my monthly prescriptions, never mind food. And I cannot walk 3 flights of stairs every day or every other day....

I said this is ridiculous and humiliating. She said, “You have to find a family member or third-party to help you or get a roommate“. Ti, from Book Chatter, had this great idea and kindly suggested it. I wish I could but my apartment is a studio and the one room really isn't large enough to divide into 2. I said so my only option is to be dependant on someone else? Like I already said, this is humiliating and extremely demeaning. This phone was not a great way to start the day! I have to remind myself that I didn't cause my health problems although it certainly feels that way many days.
I am looking at different jobs and thanks to some of you, such as Willoughby and The Bumbles, I have some good ideas. But finding a job takes time which I don't have a lot of. I am really afraid I am going to end up on the street without a place to live. My life has been a struggle for most of the years I've been a live and I'm beginning to wonder if that will ever change. Some of the problem now, too, is that I don't really believe in myself anymore and I need that confidence. I need to believe I have the right to a good life. It's difficult when you're constantly battling for self-worth. But it ticks me off that I feel embarrassed and wrong to be looking for help, especially since I just need the help until I can get regular work. And I'm not going to be able to get that work if I don't have somewhere to live. Ugh!

I want to thank all of you who left kind words and/or great advice for me a couple of weeks ago when I wrote about what was going on in my life. I meant to reply to all of you and I will I just have so much going on in my end and so many phone calls and emails and research I feel I have to do but I’m also just trying to get through the days which isn’t always easy. Please know how much I appreciate your friendship. I know prior to now my blog was primarily about books and cats but now it’s going to be about my life, too. I realize I will probably lose some readers because of that which I am truly sorry about. But I think it’s important that people know how difficult life can be for disabled people in situations similar to my own and how little this great country of ours cares. If I can help to get the word out by posting my story here, I will.